1. Spray-on Tan: That's right I watch Jersey Shore, and ever since the shows name generator deemed me "The Bicep", I feel its time to Italian-ize my pythons. One would think I'd get my yearly dose of the boot country at Roseto's Big Time each year, but this Christmas I want to take it one step further and see the guns a glisten.
2. The Chia Obama - For those of you who don't know, I collect obscure trinkets of one-term Presidents and this would proudly grace my chochkey shelf alongside my H.W. Bush Sweatband and matching cuffs, and the Jimmy Carter Trapper Keeper. Who wouldn't want our ratings-deprived CIC growing green dreads and smelling carbon-free?
3. Antler Chandelier - This is like the epitome of redneck class. We beer-swilling, caribou hunting, 4x4 driving folks can be classy hosts from time to time, and this is like the paramount of being a dignified hick. Sure, some have chandeliers of gold and bronze, but antlers throw a touch of rustic swank.
4. Bean-bag Chair - Im broke as a joke living the low-wage, post college grad life and no piece of furniture would make my humble abode feel as comfy as the symbol of college bachelorhood. It says, "yeah Ive got furniture", but it also doubles as a huge damn pillow... or a dog bed.
5. Darth Maul Cup - OK, ever since Star Wars Episode 1 came out I had got all the freaking cups that Pizza Hut and Taco Bell put out, one such beverage holder has alluded my path. I got multiple Yodas, and several Jar-Jar Binks, as well as a damn Boss Nass. Boss Nass can go to hell! My brother was able to get a Maul, but not I. Nevermind if the movie stunk, its the cup that honors what could have been the most badass villain in the franchise. To think I could be drinking out of one this summer would put a smile on my nerd face.
I have one of these in my place, its like jesus is holding you.
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