Debt... It's A Bitch!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Republican Hair Primary

Who has the best hair? It really sunk in at the last debate when I'm like, "wow... why isn't anyone balding?" Last election was a bit of a fluke. In fact, when you look back at who wins the nomination, it's usually a candidate with a scalper's wet dream. John McCain... lost. Bob Dole... lost... H.W. Bush.... lost on the basis of a wispy dew. Ford... his hair was thinning. The only real argument one could use is Eisenhower. We'll call that one a fluke. Or maybe he just had too many u-turns under the bed sheets?

Nixon, Reagan and G. Dubs all had "good to great" hair. And when you look at their competition, you can begin to develop a primitive algorithm for presidential winners. Pert Plus, good genetics or does being a supply-side thinker mean you'll live a sexier life? With former President Clinton calling Gov. Rick Perry a "handsome rascal", one can only bet what his moneys on. Despite Mitt's "Baby, I was Born to Run" look, personality may be the tipping point. But what about Mrs. Bachmann? My political crush and those Minnesota dimples....mmmmm.

Bachmann gives this sausage fest a shot of sex appeal, that Hillary Clinton left in her 20's. Intelligence, beauty, and a folksy demeanor leaving her holding her own. But with a political career of strictly legislating rather than executive experience, can we afford the possibility of another charismatic President without the ability to lead? You know... like Obama.

Legislators are career politicians. Not leaders. This includes my incredulity regarding Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and others. How do you lead? The failure of Obama has not been his hair. Actually, he has rather nice hair. Look.... a compliment. His failure has been his lack of experience in leading. Can anyone ever recall him getting his hands dirty? I mean real work, not metaphorical anecdotes of corruption. He has never owned a business, he has never been in a position of leadership in the military, or in government, until he was elected President. In hind site it's like electing Pauly Shore. Charissssssssmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

I digress... So looking at the Governors and executives like Huntsman, Johnson, Cain and possibly Palin and even Christie, we look to flesh out those with true credentials. Cain is funny, and intelligent, but has no hair. Could he be the black Eisenhower? I doubt it. Huntsman looks to be the alternative Mormon in the race. For him to truly do that he needs to wear skinny jeans, a Ramones t-shirt, and use eye liner. Johnson is in the race for his bucket list. Palin and Christie are remote possibilities at this point. The former on her electability, even though she's America's hottest politician and Christie has no interest thus far.

Who will it be? My prediction is Perry. The ticket will probably have Bachmann at the bottom or even Santorum. Romney still stands a chance, but the eastern vs. western Republican primary has always been a schism in the party since the New Deal. Terms like Country Club Republican and Eastern Establishment made its way into the lexicon after a tough battle between Dewey and Robert Taft in 1948. Time will only tell, but as the great thespian Samuel L. Jackson once said, "Hold on to your butts."

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