1. The Fanny Pack is your friend. I’m a backpack guy, no doubt, but sometimes youre just needing a third cargo pocket so that pesky janitor size key set doesn’t puncture your oysters. I was hesitant to pick up the 90’s symbol for soccer mom-esque packwear. An ass purse for men… next, we last few on the high end of bravado would be touting shower caddys. But I embraced the fannie pack and it has become an unlikely ally in big city living. Snacks, metro cards, money, a multi-tool, blackberry…. All can be safely left in the hands of my good friend Fannie.
2. Don’t hit on chicks with Adam’s apples. Not that I’ve learned this from experience, but friends tend to pass on universal truths and this one ranks up there.
3. Develop street cred with the local gang of 10 year olds. These little tyrants know all, and having both their allegiance and respect wields an incredible power. Kids know who gives the best candy at trick-r-treat, they know the meanest dog in the neighborhood, and they know which restaurant is best to dumpster dive behind. They can also be used to get information on newly single neighbors, and the schedule of the ice cream truck.
4. Monitor pigeon flight patterns. These birds will shit on you! Vigilance is the best defense regarding the dove’s evil twin. I’ve developed my own walking pattern to counter act a ravenous onslaught of these terrors. I simply make zigzag patterns to confuse their primitive minds. I never use the same zigzag pattern. Never let your enemy get comfortable with your movements, remain unpredictable to the pigeon, and the pigeon will lose. Do not tire, do not falter. Stay strong even in the midst of uncertain victory… because bird shit, just doesn’t stain your clothes, it stains your soul.
5. Always talk about how Irish you are. Even if the only Irish you’ve ever been exposed to is Leprechaun 3, tout the hell out of it! Because by God, you worship the land Mr. Guinness walked on! In a city enviroment you need people to believe you attended the “Zach Strawn School for BAMFs”. The most diplomatic way of saying don’t screw with me however is to advertise your lineage to some of the craziest bastards the good Lord has ever made… those from the Emerald Isle. We Irish have a crazy charm to us that lets us get away with cursing, drinking, getting rowdy, and looking like an ignorant ass. For some reason, people love it… and respect it. After Braveheart came out, people didn’t want to piss of the Scots, but it was that crazy fuck from Ireland that had people recognize who to not mess with. And lets face it, in a city with tough minority types, why not have the toughest in your corner.
6. Abandon chivalry on the Subway. When it comes to grabbing the train, hold no mercy in your heart. I’ve had little old ladies push me out the door on a packed sub car. I’ve been bamboozled out of seats by sweet innocent girl scouts. Even accepting an Angela Lansbury gesture of goodwill could be the death blow you’ve always feared. I take no prisoners when it comes to getting on trains. I make no friends. I talk to no one. If a pregnant woman on the subway asks for a seat you look at her as if she just walked out of a Hollywood prop trailer because that belly bump is an excuse to get your seat.
7. Make the Chinese Buffett your Mecca. Fewer things bring as much delight as unlimited cafeteria style food made by the world’s greatest ethnic improvisers. Chances are youll be broke as a joke and looking for a coke. Sure the fries always suck at a Chinese buffett, but you get to eat truly obscure shit like yams, or General Tso’s chicken, or unlimited egg roles. And lets be honest… sometimes, unlimited egg roles is the best medicine after a hard day of Facebook stalking.
No comments:
Post a Comment